天蓝海蓝

还是上中学的时候写信给舅舅，说多回国看看外婆。信里有几句话，爷爷看了，笑不停，还不时拿出来引用。当时在信里写：“我现在只是上学，尚且怎样怎样，如果以后生活复杂了当会怎样怎样。 ”想把自己放在舅舅的位置，动之以情。这“复杂”二字，不过是形容我那时眼里成年人的生活状态。

果然，年轮转了几转，复杂的生活转瞬即至。亲情、爱情、梦想像杂耍艺人手里的多把火炬。我像个努力而没天赋的艺人，愧疚于自己的顾此失彼。

今天在梦书苑最靠近土地的房间写下这段文字，不是为了忆苦思甜，而是想记录这一刻，北京和湾区同是2009年3月22日 的一刻，这一刻，终于觉得自己所珍视的一切已经得到，或者真实得触手可及。

明天的路未必步步香花夹道，但是今天，六年以来第一次跟爸妈携手同游，TZ来电问候，我们心里有一个共同的，被亲人祝福的梦。我可以自豪的跟国内国外的朋友说，我们北京见，不是说如果你在哪年路过哪里我们可能见，而是我就扎在北京了，你来吧，一准能见。

明天，谁也不知道。今天，我知命运待我不薄。以文为证，我当心存感激。

This is all I have ever wanted.

我为老爸老妈感到骄傲，他们兢兢业业，事业有成，桃李满天下。也为TZ感到骄傲，他有一个梦想，并且努力的付诸实施。

我不知道，在每个人有限的三万多天时光里，为什么这样奢侈的把成千上万的日子用来离别。只希望分离是为了梦想，并不枉然。

The “path to power” class hasn’t been bad. Exactly what I needed most. How to manage up etc. Yet the best speaker I’ve seen in that class was Rudy Crew who spoke today about being in the lime light and the downside of a big role in public policy. He talked about the mission, passion and ego of being a school chancellor, talked about the prices paid, health, family and the rewards that kept him going. The sophisticated vocabulary commanded by a teenager from the Bronx, a boy who was so excited to show his first progress in learning to swim, the hope of getting there some day.

I guess I have paid some price for coming to Stanford too. But these moments, when I hear these speakers share their life stories of success and failure, when I see a person so full of passion about what he or she does, be it investing, beer making, game developing. Be it entrepreneurs or hedge fund managers. When I hear of a business model that seemed truly revolutionary, and the investors, entrepreneurs so persistent about pursuing it, I am truly moved, and I would not change this experience for anything else. It gives me hope and sometimes insight into myself. Will I be able to do this if I were in this person’s shoe. Is this the right path for me? What can or can't I tolerate?

I think I’ve advanced a tiny bit in thinking through what I’d like to do at what timeline. And come to accept my limitations. At the same time I have noticed that every significant hardship has left me a tougher woman emotionally. In a way I like this control over myself. Yet on the other hand I loathe this hardening of the heart. I hope that as my perception of the black and white world gathers a greyer and greyer hue, I can still maintain in me the innocence and goodness you so pride in me. As my respect for strength and optimism grows, I hope I do not lose the patience and empathy that was once upon a time a virtue.

This is one of those movies that I like, one that raises a question, one that mirrors not all but maybe a tiny or big fraction of many people’s lives, one that invites interpretation.

The acting by both protagonists was brilliant. The lines around their eyes bring that mid-age struggle to live. This was no story of the perfect prince and beautiful princess who lived happily ever after.

The story both angers and saddens me. It is funny that we, as human beings, stood up on two feet, learnt to use tools, built civilization after civilization, did everything to be efficient and unburden ourselves from the normal life styles of the animal kingdom i.e. to search for food all day long, rest, then search for food again. Yet we see so many brilliant minds lose the basic instinct of a living being i.e. the love of life or the will to live. We see brilliant intellectual people who claim to have freedom of thought, independent minds fall into that steel trap they built for themselves. Who said one had to be “special” to be wonderful, who said you had to achieve “greatness” to be happy.

What is the purpose of living anyway? There are many spiritual or religious answers to this question. Yet, what if we are just like all other species, we live to live on, to simply pass on our genes. If one finds beauty in a flower, sweetness in a kitten, why is there difficulty to see the beauty and sweetness in our own being, our 24 hour day. Why burden ourselves with a more detrimental burden when the entire human history had been trying to evolve away from the burden of food and shelter. Did the dinosaurs go extinct due to cosmic collision or did they simply lose the love of life?

Hopes and dreams are beautiful things. They are like dessert oasis which makes the current journey more enjoyable. But they are no substitute for a bottle of water at hand. That water is called “the love of life”. You drink it every step of the way, because what if you never reach the oasis? Do you bury yourself in the sand and say, “I had the guts to put an end to it all.” And let others tidy up the mess? Do you call the entire journey a failure or do you look back at your footprint in the sand, at loved ones by your side and say, I had my journey, I saw beautiful things, there are no regrets.

To the love of life, the strength in living. Revolutionary road.

今天在TZ家写了几个大字，学了围棋的基本规则。三个感受：

其一：发现不学会悬腕就写不出真正大方的字

其二：围棋是很美的运动。想来应是净手熏香，一壶清茶，盘膝而坐。云子在灯下晶莹剔透，黑子于空中呈墨绿，落到盘上即成墨色。那棋盘木纹细致，漆也匀净，发着柔光。当然啦，如果有朝一日能成为高手就更好了。

其三：其实就这样，即使抱怨北京的污染、堵车，然而在屋子的一角，生活可以这样进行着。加州的蓝天白云，英伦的细雨连绵，说到底，大千世界里，不管我们的心有多大，我们不足两米的身躯，真正能够占有的空间有多大？我们几十年的生命里，亲朋好友，可以一起走过的时间有几多？行万里路，可以让心大一些，然而就像老姐说的，漂泊的人总想保留一种一成不变的东西，我想那叫做“家 ”。